Soccer "Team Parent' - shoot me now.

It is soccer season again in our area, and shoot me now, but I've once again agreed to be the 'team parent'. Doesn't that term just send chills down your spine and cause a headache right away? . . . 'team parent'. If you've ever been one, you know what I mean. If you have not been one, then you haven't taken your turn and you'd better sign up next year! Soccer season means that from now to the end of May, I will be driving one child to a game far away, and my spouse will be driving the other child to a game far away, each and every Saturday AND Sunday and very seldom are they in the same far away city. Yep, with gas prices up this year, carpooling is the way to go. That means how many more phone calls and schedules to make? AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!

Below is a letter I would love to send out to the other parents on the team this year -- of course I won't, but it felt good to write a fake one just to get it out of my system. If you are not or never have been a 'team parent' for one of your child's sports teams, then stop reading right now because I assure you; you will be offended and you will get your panties in a twist, and you will hate me. Please, I beg you, stop reading right now if you have never been a 'team parent'. You've been duly warned, if you continue to read this and then get offended, you brought it on yourself and I don't want to hear about it later!

So, this is the 'team parent' letter we WISH we could all send . . . . . .

Hello again U14 Boys Soccer Parents and Players!

First of all, the information I’m providing below has already been sent to all you slackers by the soccer association board, twice. But, because you never really get it the first couple of times and I knew that if I didn’t send out yet another letter, you’d all be bitching and complaining about my obvious lack of organizational skills as a team parent, so I wanted to touch base with all of you for a third time to shove it into your thick-headed skulls for a third time.

Be sure to check the soccer website at www.soccerteam.com. OFTEN!! DO NOT wait to hear from me if you have a question, feel free to check the website and don’t you dare call me if you haven’t check the website first!

March 31 - 1^st clothing order is due. Yes, this is really the date, you cannot call two days later and hope to get in on the first order you lazy sack of shit. Get your order in on time or wait until the second order. THIS IS THE ORDER DEADLINE. PERIOD.

PRACTICES:
Mondays and Thursdays from 6:30 – 7:30pm at the College fields. If your little Johnny or Suzie doesn’t show up for practice, then they won’t be playing soccer at games much either. If you can’t get them to practice, then you'd better shut up at the games about playing time being fair for all. All players must have shin guards, soccer cleats (optional but highly recommended), and a soccer ball. YOU SHOULD GO GET SHIN GUARDS, BALL, SOCCER CLEATS NOW, do not wait until the morning of their first game. DO NOT wait until the first day of practice. FIND THEM NOW! If your little one’s shin yards cover only half of their shin, THEY ARE TOO SMALL YOU IDIOT!

SNACK SCHEDULE:
There will be no snack schedule. WHEN DID YOU STOP BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR FEEDING YOUR OWN GOD DAMNED KIDS??????!!!! But hey, if any of you overly obsessive moms and dads want to organize one, go ahead, just leave my out of it!

PLAYER/PARENT INFORMATION:
Please check the attached roster. If your information is correct, great! If it is not, there is absolutely no excuse for you. You have had plenty of opportunity to correct it by now in many previous notices. If it is incorrect, that is because you did not fill in the registration form correctly you total moron.

QUESTIONS/CONCERNS:
If any of you has a concern with how I'm running things, CALL ME! DO NOT complain to all the other parents on the team behind my back first. CALL ME! If you have a better way of doing things, then YOU volunteer to be the team parent next time! If you don't want to volunteer or call me with your concerns BEFORE you complain to everyone else, then please keep your big mouth shut.

. . . . . . . . .

Okay, I feel much better now. Maybe they shouldn't let para-menopausal soccer moms be the 'team parent'. I'd better remember to take the Swiss Army knife off of my key chain.

P.S. In fairness to soccer parents, most of them are great people and fun to hang out with at the games! GO RAIDERS! (Raiders reference here from a great youtube video, "The Jeannie Tate Show!!", go watch it, too funny and hits way to close to home! Oh, here's another one . . . Jeannie Tate with Rob Riggle from the Daily Show, or Jeannie Tate with Rashida Jones from The Office)